Five Non-Violent Reasons a Restraining Order Can Be Granted Against You

By Veronica T. Barton, California domestic violence defense attorney and creator of DEFEAT the DVRO

The short answer

In California, someone can get a domestic violence restraining order against you even if they don't claim that you were physically violent. There are five types of non-physically violent conduct that still count: stalking, harassing, destroying personal property, disturbing the other person's peace, and coercive control. In most of them, it has to be intentional, and it usually comes down to who the judge believes slightly more than 50%.

Why you need to know what the judge is looking for

You may be surprised to learn that in the state of California someone can get a domestic violence restraining order against you even if they don't claim that you were physically violent.

When you go into a restraining order hearing, one of the most important things to know is what the judge is looking for. What is the judge listening for? What does the judge want to hear? If you go into a hearing thinking, "They're not even saying that I was physically violent, so of course I'm going to win," you may be in for an unpleasant surprise.

Let's look at the five types of non-physically violent conduct that still count as violence for a domestic violence restraining order.

Step 1 of DEFEAT the DVRO covers what the judge is looking for, including what needs to be proven and how to read a restraining order.

Number 1: Stalking

Stalking is defined as willfully, repeatedly and maliciously harassing someone or following them, plus making a credible threat. A credible threat means that a reasonable person in the petitioner's position would fear for his or her safety or the safety of his or her immediate family.

For example, say the petitioner alleges that the respondent has been showing up everywhere she goes: at her coffee shop in the morning, outside of her workplace, and outside of her home. She alleges that the respondent has sent her texts such as "Be careful out there" or "I saw you at the park today, are you sure that you should be there alone?" She alleges that because of all of that, she was concerned for her own safety. That would probably count as stalking.

Remember that the willfully component applies here. You have to do this intentionally. Maybe you live near the petitioner, and when you go for coffee in the morning, the neighborhood coffee shop is the one she goes to. Maybe you work in the same workplace or nearby.

Or maybe you were going for a walk, you went past the park, and it was dusk. When you saw the petitioner, you thought, "I'm not sure if she should be out here alone," and that's why you sent those texts and why you were showing up at those places. You are not intentionally trying to scare her, and you are not intentionally showing up where she is.

Number 2: Harassing

Harassing can happen in person, over the phone, on social media, by text message, or through any other sort of contact you can imagine.

For example, the petitioner could allege that the respondent has repeatedly text messaged her multiple times per day. She has tried blocking him, but he gets a different number and keeps texting her. She claims that he has even called her workplace.

"How can they say it was me if the texts came from other numbers?"

If you're thinking about this example, you may wonder how we can even say that it is the respondent if he is supposedly texting from other numbers. How do we know?

Keep in mind that in domestic violence restraining order hearings, the judge only has to believe the petitioner slightly more than 50% to grant the restraining order. If you go in saying, "She can't prove that it was me," she might be able to prove it to the satisfaction of the judge. It does not have to be 100%, and it does not have to be beyond a reasonable doubt like you need in criminal cases.

For example, you may be saying the same things or making the same grammatical mistakes. Or a message may arrive from an unknown number immediately after she blocks you, saying, "Why did you block me?" or "You better stop blocking me."

Number 3: Destroying personal property

For example, if the petitioner alleges that you intentionally broke her laptop, that could meet the definition of domestic violence in California.

It could have been an accident. Maybe you were really upset and very animated, and while swinging your arm to make your point, you accidentally hit the laptop and it fell on the ground and broke. That would not be domestic violence. It has to be intentional.

Number 4: Disturbing the other person's peace

This refers to intentionally destroying the other person's mental or emotional calm. That is subjective, which makes it a little bit tricky.

For example, the petitioner has to wake up early in the morning for work, the respondent has a different schedule or isn't working right now, and he suspects the petitioner of cheating on him. All night long he makes as much noise as he can in the home. He tries to talk to her and turns on the lights. He does this not just one night but repeatedly, knowing that she has to wake up early, and he is intentionally doing it to punish her because of his suspicions. This could be considered disturbing someone's peace.

Again, this is subjective. The conduct could be accidental. It could also be something that isn't repeated: it's not every night, it's not most nights, and it's not this repeated thing. If the respondent doesn't mean to disturb the petitioner's peace and that's not why he's doing it, that would not count as disturbing the other person's peace. Ultimately, it comes down to who the judge believes slightly more than 50%, and often to demeanor.

Number 5: Coercive control

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that interferes with your free will and your personal liberty. Coercive control could also fall under disturbing someone's peace, but it has its own definition and deserves its own example, so I'm giving it its own number.

For example, the petitioner could allege that the respondent tries to keep her away from her family and friends, monitors her movements, checks her phone, and checks her phone records. She could also allege that he has even threatened to divulge personal information about her if she does not comply with his wishes. That would fall into the category of coercive control.

There is a spectrum of this sort of behavior here. Many couples track each other, so they can see where the other person is, but it is not because they are trying to control each other. You both decided, for convenience, safety, or another reason, that you were both going to follow one another. The judge will probably look at the entire situation to see whether you are trying to isolate this person. Are you watching everything that they do? Are you keeping them under your thumb?

Frequently asked questions

Can a restraining order be granted if the other person doesn't claim I was physically violent?

Yes, in the state of California, someone can get a domestic violence restraining order against you even if they don't claim that you were physically violent. There are five types of non-physically violent conduct that still count: stalking, harassing, destroying personal property, disturbing the other person's peace, and coercive control.

How much does the judge have to believe the other person?

For domestic violence restraining order hearings, the judge only has to believe the petitioner slightly more than 50% to grant the restraining order. It is not beyond a reasonable doubt like you need in criminal cases.

What if the texts came from other numbers? Can they still say it was me?

They might be able to prove it to the satisfaction of the judge. It does not have to be 100%. For example, you may be saying the same things, you may make the same grammatical mistakes, or a message may arrive from an unknown number immediately after she blocks you.

Does it count if I broke something by accident or ran into the person by coincidence?

For stalking and for destroying personal property, it has to be intentional. If you happen to live or work near the petitioner, or you accidentally hit a laptop while making a point and it fell and broke, that would not be stalking or domestic violence. Disturbing someone's peace works the same way. If you don't mean to disturb the peace of the petitioner and that's not why you're doing it, then it would not count.